Never Look back

got two emails from my mom today, reading them made me miss her more than ever. i wish i could see her hold her and squeeze her. people don’t understand the hurt that i go through everyday not being able to see my best friend. i got through so many emotions that its hard for me to coupe with i wish that none of what happened ever happened. she was my best friend she honestly knew me more than anyone has. i know its sorta “wrong” for a mom and daughter to be best friends but at one point in our lives we were all we had. she was my rock and my protector. i wish i understood what went wrong with her. if it was something that i did to make her upset, because if it was id take it back in a heartbeat. i wish more than anything that she lived right down the street from Ashley and i we would be completely set with everything. she would make sure we had everything that we needed. i understand that what she did was wrong and she deserves to be punished but i wish it was just easier her being in prison. i wish i could pin point when things got so messed up! hopefully one day my mom and i will be able to see each other its been almost 5 years since the last time i saw her. i am going to build up the courage and go see her i have to because i know she would do it for me. just because what she did was horrible doesn’t make her a horrible person…people talk i know they do they don’t say it to my face because they know its not a smart choice. because honestly i would fight to the death for any member of my family especially my mom. anyone has a problem with what my mom did, i say this rotate and spin bitch because you have no connection to what happened it was my family and our problems, so if your upset with what happened get over it because you didn’t see it, hear it, deal with it, or get hurt by it. don’t tell me that you understand because you don’t no one will ever understand until your put in that situation and i hope to GOD no one has to EVER deal with that because most people couldn’t survive and the only way i did is because i knew i was better than it i was better than her i was better than the whole situation so i kept it pushing…

that the only person that i feel like will never let me down is a 14 month old baby. she can do no wrong in my eyes i love my neice more than life itself i believe god put me in her life so i can realize how much i would be missing if i lived the life style i used to live. i love you parker joy with my whole heart to the moon and back. you are my heart and soul i look at you like you are my own i dont know what i would do without you babylove!

You’ve taught me how to live a tough live. To realize that life is a bitch. Things change in a matter of seconds and to hold onto what you cherish but at a distance cause in the end you get hurt. Your probably the shittest mom but no matter what I love you! You’ve taught me so much from your mistakes so I thank you happy fucking mothers day I hope your prison mates make it special for ya

Dear month of may, you’ve been here for two days and you’ve caused nothing but,stress, I bruised hand, and tears. I want nothing more for things to go right from here on out. I can’t take shit anymore my mind is fucked enough. All I want to do is cry and sleep that’s it. Nothing and I mean nothing is going how it should. I cany honestly say my life is bullshit. I do things to get my life on the right track and they don’t turn out. Why?!?!?!?! My job stresses me out to no end and I hate it but I love being able to have a job I sound like a hypocrite and ungrateful. I wish I could find someone who loved me and didn’t use me >:| it breaks my heart I get used on a daily basis from him and it isn’t cool what so ever. I want things to just fall into place for me FOR ONCE and I want them to last. I want my own apt I want to be on my own but is hard when someone asks you for money on a daily basis. I don’t have a heart to say no but I should. I need my best friend back because I’m so fucking alone no one to really talk to or cry to and not feel like a baby. I need mmy best friend just to vent have girltime and be happy. I have no social life its my fault idk why I don’t hang out with friends. Its stupid I just want to be happy and stress free

Is a rollercoaster, I wish it would stop so I can get prepared. I want to get my own apt (perferaly with a friend because I hate being alone) I want to feel secure with where I’m living “at home” I want to have a social life I want to make my own rules I lived like that for 6 months of my life shit hit the fan and I was back living in a place where I had rules a curfew etc…I want so many things but I don’t know how to go about getting these things in order. I’ve been so alone laltely with no bestfriend, no support, no family nothing I want my old life back but id like to keep my job that’s the one thing that I do love is my job I can’t complain one bit about it. I want to have my friends back because they meant the world and their kids. Idk what I would do without em I don’t know I’m even keeping sane without them. I guess life has taught me one thing, keep it pushin when times are tough and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Things have been working out great :)

Job,friends,living situation is all turning out to be perfect! I want to get my own place though with a friend would be better I get too freaked out when I’m alone.

Went to Glen’s today I like that store but I hate how busy it gets! Its ridiculous.

Gonna go on a walk with kaelee maybe and then go to eat and watch a movie I love having an 11 year old around she’s quite spunky.

Still haven’t slept…its going on 7:30 now. Watching gooooood lifetime movies then bed work at 4 :) goodnight and lovebug I do need ya here to cuddle with me

Can’t I fucking sleep damnit!